Drowning
by Audley
Summary: A missing scene from book 2. It's New Year's, and Tohru is alone for the very first time.


Drowning

Tohru forced herself to keep smiling and waving as she watched Kyo, Yuki, and Shigure walk away. Then she forced herself to go inside and turn on the TV. She forced herself to watch a cooking program, so she wouldn't have to think.

That's how she had survived, in the months following her mother's death. Not thinking. Locking away all the thoughts that might break her—burying them deep under cheerful words and grateful feelings. She busied herself, threw all her energies into her schoolwork and her job and her friends. Every day became a struggle to distract her mind, keep it from straying down into the closed box. After a few months it got easier. The box stayed locked—the bad memories were kept at bay.

And she had met the Sohmas. They had been a blessing in disguise—a major distraction. Yuki and Kyo alone were enough to occupy her thoughts for long periods of time. She was grateful. When they were around, things happened. She didn't have time to be alone and dwell. Tohru kept herself busy to keep from thinking—Kyo and Yuki kept her busy.

But now they were gone.

And Tohru was alone.

She switched off the TV. The silence echoed in the empty house.

Tohru felt tears prick behind her eyes and desperately tried to think of something else.

"Chores!" She shouted suddenly, her voice too loud in the silent room. She stood up, ready to tackle her chores, but sat down again. She had no chores to do, for once. She could feel the panic welling up—she wasn't ready to face those memories yet! She wasn't strong enough. If she didn't keep busy—didn't distract herself—she'd drown in them. They'd rise to the surface, an unstoppable flood, and she'd drown, choking on her own tears, crying like she had...that day...

Tohru clapped her hands together suddenly, the noise scattering her thoughts. The empty room swallowed the sound and suddenly Tohru felt very lonely.

"But I have no reason to be lonely..." She said to herself. She turned and charged up the stairs, her throat suddenly tight. She lurched into her room, her vision blurring. She grabbed the picture of her mother and hugged it to her chest, the tears now flowing freely down her cheeks.

"Right, Mom? You're here with me...we're together...always together...right, Mom?" She mumbled as she carried the picture downstairs and set it on the table. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

"See? We're still together. It's only New Years...just another holiday. You're still here...just like before—" Tohru stopped short as a fresh wave of tears cascaded down her face. She struggled for a moment more, tried to tell herself to be strong, be cheerful..._don't drown_..._not again_...

She glanced at the window, saw a glimmer of lights...she got up to see. Outside, the world was transformed..._decorations_..._lights_..._and_­­—

—she broke, the memories pouring over her like water pouring into a glass—spilling and splashing around 'til it was full, but they kept coming and she overflowed. She put her head in her hands and sobbed. She turned and fell into her seat, cradling her picture of her mother to her chest.

"M-mom...why d-did you have to g-go? M-mom...it's New Year's...its my f-first New Year's alone...w-without you..." Tohru didn't know how long she cried. She realized, in some distant corner of her mind, that she might not be able to pull herself up again—she wondered if she could smile again, knowing she'd never spend another New Year's with her mom..._But Mom_..._ Mom had said I need to keep smiling!_

That thought shook her enough to force herself to regain some semblance of control, to dry her face, to set her mother's picture down on the table.

For a while she stared at the picture, the tears simply dripping as she once again locked up the memories. Tohru closed her eyes in shame—shame that she had lost control so quickly; that she had had so little control in the first place. A memory surfaced—not one of her mother, but one of Kyo...Kyo telling her it was okay to be sad...it was okay to let herself be sad...once in a while. Tohru opened her eyes and smiled at her mother's picture.

"I-I'll be okay, Mom. I'm sad, but...I'm also happy...in a way. I'm happy, because of our times together...but...I'm sad that there won't...there won't b-be more...no m-more m-m-memories with y-you..." Tohru's throat closed up once more. Her eyes filled with tears and she missed her mother more than ever.

Where her mother had been was like a sharp, raw bruise on her heart...one that Tohru would treasure forever. Besides, Mom was watching over her, still.

A sound from outside made her look up, startled. Her heart leapt into her throat as the door burst open, and Yuki and Kyo fell in. Yuki gently wiped a stray tear from her face and she blushed, embarrassed. Her mouth took control and babbled some excuse as her mind drifted upwards in relief. _They're here!_ she thought, almost giddy. _They came back_..._I'm not alone_..._not anymore_.

Tohru looked down on their faces, her heart beating erratically as she realized...she might not be able to ever again spend New Year's with her mother...or make any new memories with her mother...but she had Yuki...and Kyo...she could make new...**precious**...memories with them.

_Fin_

This had been floating around in my head since I read book 2, and one day, it floated out my ear, landed on my shoulder, rolled down my arm, took control of my hand--which was holding a pen and was poised and ready over the notebook--and wrote itself. I had no say in the matter. Really, no say. shakes head

Review...if you really WANT to, that is.


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